The second mistake you're making: you isolate yourself.

Do you ever feel really, really bad about yourself?  You know, so miserable, hating yourself so much that you can't even look in the mirror?  Do you ever feel like the world is so brutally unfair and that you just don't belong in it?  Do you get to the point where you just wish you weren't even alive and you just hide in your favorite cozy place -- under the covers or, my favorite, in the closet?

If you are anything like me or the many other people I have met, when you get to this point, you probably tend to want to hide... to retreat from the world.  You isolate yourself.

You start to believe that there is nobody on this planet that gets you, and that nobody will even take the time to listen to you anyway.  They'll just placate you "oh, don't worry about it, it's gonna be fine...", or they'll offer solutions "it's not a big deal -- how about you just...", or they'll just talk about themselves, "this reminds me of the time I..."

Does this story sound familiar?  If so, do you see the massive mistake that you're making?  Can you guess why it's important to recognize that isolating yourself is at a time like this is the completely wrong thing to do?



I'm far from perfect, so I still fall into this behavior myself.  But about a decade ago I started to reset my thinking about this whole scenario, and today I'm getting so much better at shifting this behavior. 

"All things are subject to interpretation; whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."~ Friedrich Nietzsche

First of all I came to discover that everything that is going through my mind when I am in this state is just judgement; just pure imagination; perhaps just F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal.   And when I fall into the trap of self-hating and judging, I completely lose the ability to see myself as I truly am.  I am no longer present to reality.  My stories, interpretations and judgements about myself take over.  I see myself as a loser or failure or asshole.  I can't help but see myself that way.  That's the reality that I create in my mind.

I have tried every trick and tool from all kinds of books, classes and counseling to try to escape these self-destructive thinking patterns.  But they never solved the problem, because I've found that in such an upset state, I am blinded to the actual reality -- that I am perfectly fine, that there is nothing wrong with me or the world.

I assert that the only way out of this cycle of self-destructive thought is to reach out to a trusted person.  Someone who is actually capable of listening.  Someone who gives true empathy and compassion "I can see how upset you are... I feel your hurt.", who offers acceptance "I still care about you and want the best for you no matter what you be, do or have..." and who reminds you of who you truly are "This a painful time for you, but you are so great because..."

“Everyone has a purpose in life… a unique gift or special talent to give to others. And when we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals.” ~Deepak Chopra

There are a number of options available for you.  But the most important quality and skill that you need is somebody who can keep themselves out of the conversation, and completely devote their time and attention to your need to express yourself and heal.

The first and easiest route is to higher a professional -- a Life Coach, a counselor or a psychotherapist. These people are trained listeners, and more importantly, you are paying them to listen to you.  That's their job.

The second is to find a spiritual leader -- either at your church or other non-denominational spiritual organization.  Many pastors and spiritual leaders have as much training and/or experience as a professional psychotherapist.

The third is to use some form of healing group -- best to consult with your local mental health organization or church about this.

The fourth is to use some kind of online or social-media based groups -- use people who are independent of you and with whom you can establish some ground rules such as: just listen to me, don't give me solutions.

The fifth, and I believe the hardest, is to find really, really good friends.  I think this is the hardest because the better you know a person, the harder it becomes to be independent and objective.  A good friend will see your pain and want to try to take it away from you by solving the problem.  But I think we all manage to find really good friends who get the whole concept of listening non-judgmentally.

The last resort, in my humble opinion, is your family or your spouse.  They can be there to support you when you really need it, but I would assert that it is almost impossible for them to be independent and objective.  You are all too close, and your emotions and judgements will hook them and hurt them, whether you want to or not.

But in the end, no matter what choice you make, isolating yourself is not the solution.

Please don't get me wrong -- everyone has the right to have time to themselves, especially for men. Perhaps journaling or some other form of expression can be very effective for you.

But, at some point, you need to connect with other human beings and let them see you, and let them help you to see who you REALLY are.

From the series:

• Massive Mistakes Professional Women Make that Keep them Feeling Bored at Work and Trapped by the Corporate Cage
• The First Mistake: You don't invest in yourself.
• The Second mistake you're making: you isolate yourself...
• The Third Mistake...
• The Fourth Mistake...

If you want to learn more about how Life Coaching can help you, contact me for a free consultation. info@bestcoaching.ca