Doing vs Being
In this series of articles we will explore some of the discoveries I've made in creating joy in my own life. You will learn some of the core concepts and tools that I have learned that keep me expanding my passion for life.
One of the secrets to finding joy in my life has come from the understanding that what you are DOING in life is not always the problem; often the problem is how you're BEING about it.
So what exactly do I mean by this? One day I came across a concept that I will never forget. Most people live life like:
DO HAVE BE
They believe that if they do a lot of activities, they will get a lot of things and they will be happy. Or they live life like:
HAVE DO BE
They believe the more stuff they have, the more than can do and therefore the more happy they will be. I learned a very that a very simple shift in the order of the verbs will lead to a better and more harmonious way to live:
BE DO HAVE
Be who we are or want to be, do the activities that support that being, we will naturally get what we want.
Doing
What do I mean by doing? Doing. Activity. Every day we are doing. We are in activity. We get up, eat, go to work, work, eat, work some more, eat some more, work some more, go exercise, go read, go traveling, go, go, go.
Many people are always going from one thing to the next to the next. And they think that by doing lots of things, they will accomplish lots of things, and therefore they will get LOTS of results.
Can you identify with that?
Being
What do I mean by being? Being. Simply, Who we ARE at any given moment. All of us have many states of being.
We can be child: "Oooh let's play!"
We can be Head: "I observe that you are unhappy."
We can be Heart: "I feel your pain... I can't help but cry."
How might this show up when facilitating a workshop or running a meeting?
Think of the authoritarian where she speaks from a sense of authority, from a view point of giver of information, as commander: "We're going outside right now. Get up, Go downstairs right now, wait for me, don't move until I get there."
Think of the facilitator where she speaks from a position of co-creation, of equality, of teamwork. "I'd really love to go outside now – what do you think? Would that work for you? Would you like to go together?"
Problems with a doing life
In both cases she has the same objective, and she does the same thing – she communicates her need to go outside – but her way of doing it is completely different because how she is BEING about it is completely different.
Here's the thing about just doing in life: often, what a person does is automatic. She feels tired, so she grabs a coffee. Someone calls her an idiot, so she gets mad. She makes a mistake while speaking in public and she starts justifying herself.
Does this sound familiar to you?
I'm not saying that any of what we do is bad or good – just that it is often automatic.. and if someone just focuses on what they are doing in life without considering how they're being about it, the results they generate, and the experience they have in life will be completely different.
Application
So how might this idea be applied to your life, right now? Let's look at: Being at Effect and Being at Cause. Also called Being Victim and Being Responsible.
Being at Effect
Many of people feel like victims in life and by being a victim I mean: they feel powerless and helpless in some act/circumstance/condition. They are DONE to. They are at effect.
Can you think of anyone in your life who sounds like this, maybe I can call him Save me Steve:
He seeks advice, looks for rescue, he can't be who he really are because of all the stuff that's happening in his life, and the source of the problem is everywhere but himself.
There's nothing wrong with being this way, and nothing right about it either. But it's not powerful. As a victim, I cannot be the source of my life.
Being at Cause
By contrast, let's look at being At Cause.. Being Responsible. I define a being responsible as: being accountable for interpretations and behaviors. Caring mainly about the ultimate success of projects and relationships and being oriented to action and correction rather than explanation and self-protection.
Who is a model of responsibility in your life?
I think of Responsible Ross. Ross focuses on what is working and what is not working. He does not approach a relationship or project as though something is wrong, he approaches it as though something is missing. Ross is not as concerned with looking good as with having life work.
I'm not saying that being Responsible is better than being victim. It's just that by being responsible I am empowered to be the source of my own results in life, not intimated or weighed down by it as I would as Victim. Responsibility actually gives me freedom to act.
So, how do you think life would be if you were living in a state of Responsibility? Do you think you would do anything differently than if you were in a victim state of being?
Doing vs Being in sales
As a final example, let's look at how this idea might be applied to a sales person.
How many different programs are there out there to teach you how to sell?
A LOT.
And some are very effective; some less so. So knowing what to do and how to do it is important. Agreed?
But let's look at two scenarios of a seller who is very skillful at selling:
First scenario: the seller wins the lottery the night before he meets his prospect. He has $100,000,000 in his bank account, and he goes to sell something to his prospect. The seller is elated and doesn't have a care in the world. His state of being is blissful, free and joyous. How do you think he will perform?
Second scenario: the seller's house burned to the ground the night before the seller met his prospect. The seller lost everything and the prospect was his only chance at getting some money for dinner for that night. The seller is defeated, scared and on the verge of emotional breakdown. His state of being is desperation.
How do you think he will perform now? Can you think of how your performance is being affected by how you're BEING about what you're doing?
What now?
We now have the idea that how you DO something is certainly important, but how you BE about it is even MORE important! So, with this important distinction made, what do you do now?
The "simple" answer is: learn to control your states of being. But as you may already know from experience, taking control of yourself can be a very great challenge, especially in emotional situations!! The HOW of it is a whole process in and of itself, something that we'll explore in more depth in the next article.
But to get you started, I believe that the first, and easiest step to take is grow self awareness. Are things not going the way you expect or hope them to go? Consider asking yourself some questions:
What are my thoughts, feelings and body sensations?
What beliefs, interpretations or judgments am I holding?
What result am I trying to get? What do I REALLY want?
And consider taking on activities that bring you to the present such as:
Meditation.
Conscious Breathing.
Grounding exercises.
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