As I've been launching my new career as a Life Coach, I've had a number of people offer me suggestions about how I should or should not do things.
I know all of them are caring and genuinely want to help me in their own way. But I've noticed that many people offer suggestions framed as,
"You should... " or "You shouldn't..." (or equivalent in less direct wording)
I've been reading about projecting -- the tendency many of us have to see things OUTSIDE of us that actually originate INSIDE of us.
For example, if you're mad at your partner for not listening to you and you wind up saying to them: "you should listen to me more!", you may be projecting a belief that you have about yourself: namely that YOU don't listen to your partner.
The idea is that our inner conflicts are usually unconscious and we project our inner struggles onto others...
The concept isn't really new to me, but I've recently learned an interesting approach to taking back projections.
One activity you can take is to substitute "I am" for "You shouldn't" / "I am not" for "You should"
e.g. When you say to someone: "You shouldn't blame me.", restate as an I statement: "I am blaming me.".
"You should be more respectful of others." can be restated as "I am not respectful of others."
This is an interesting experiment to play with yourself... and I found that it really got me to asking what my intention is when I tell people what they should or should not do. In many cases, I've identified some judgements of myself.
Try this out the next time you're in conversation with someone and you notice you're telling them what they should or should not do; try re-framing the sentence into what YOU are or are not doing.
... insights drawn from...
Can I disagree? I think the idea of projecting can be more about personal need rather than self judgment. It's a subtle distinction but one worth noting. In your example, when someone says, "You should be more respectful", I think it is more likely them expressing a belief that they require your respect on their terms. That is, their locus of control is outside of them. This is a different kind of judgment than, "I am not respectful of others." But it is judgment all the same. Only deeper - judgment of oneself not being worthy.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth... ;)
Hey Sheldon, thanks so much for your input.
ReplyDeleteNo you may not disagree (that's coming from a paradigm of right-wrong.. and btw, I recognize my need to control you =) ) -- but you may share a different view point. ;) haha
When you write, "I think it is more likely them expressing a belief that they require your respect on their terms" -- I'm not sure I see the difference from what I wrote. I am saying that a projection is actually an external expression of an internal desire. I get that from what you wrote, too. I see something behind the desire to get respect on 'their' terms... i.e. that they themselves are judging themselves of not being respectful of others... or that they are themselves not respecting themselves... i.e. that there is an internal dialogue going on.
I would also view this as a)a means of control and b) an off-loading of responsibility.. i.e. acting from effect vs from acting from cause.
I don't know -- I felt it was a neat view and I've been playing with it.
When you noticing yourself 'shoulding' on someone else, what do you believe is the cause of that? What would be a more responsible approach?
love your feedback :) write more!